and please use their services
The Official TP Funnies thread ( Jokes Memes etc )
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Tringa
Numpty of the Day'
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hehe ...but most of the time the fly performs a turn where the G force would reduce just about every other creature to a thick soup and b***ers off.
Dave
ancient_mariner
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BARRY CRYER’S DAILY JOKE
A gorilla walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter.
‘That’ll be £6.50,’ said the barman.
‘What? That’s outrageous!’ said the gorilla.
‘You’re the first gorilla we’ve had in this pub,’ said the barman.
‘I’m not surprised at those prices,’ said the gorilla.
A gorilla walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter.
‘That’ll be £6.50,’ said the barman.
‘What? That’s outrageous!’ said the gorilla.
‘You’re the first gorilla we’ve had in this pub,’ said the barman.
‘I’m not surprised at those prices,’ said the gorilla.
ancient_mariner
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Hello, Gordon’s pizza?
No sir it’s Google’s pizza.
So it’s a wrong number? Sorry
No sir, Google bought it
OK. Take my order please
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
OK! This is it …
May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
What? I hate vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How do you know?
We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …
Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
I bought more from another drugstore.
It’s not showing on your credit card statement
I paid in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
I have have other source of cash
This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL?
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.
No sir it’s Google’s pizza.
So it’s a wrong number? Sorry
No sir, Google bought it
OK. Take my order please
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? You know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
OK! This is it …
May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.?
What? I hate vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How do you know?
We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine …
Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
I bought more from another drugstore.
It’s not showing on your credit card statement
I paid in cash
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
I have have other source of cash
This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
WHAT THE HELL?
I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.
Enough! I’m sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.
ancient_mariner
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ancient_mariner
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Friday night bonus joke.
Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.
Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
Thereisnospacebar.
Gremlin
Houdini
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- Ingrid
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
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dropped my phone down the toilet, does anybody know how long its got to stay in the rice
ancient_mariner
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Nod
Tootles
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B'stard poisoners. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/devon/4684552.stm
ancient_mariner
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Nod
Tootles
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It was in reply to John's SWWater joke. SWWater being the joke, as many residents of Brixham are finding at the moment...
